Magicians, like every other profession, have their own unique operating procedures. Melbourne's equally unique urban clown Christof!! sat down with Tim one day in 1992 and pondered the question: "What if magicians were more like..."

 MECHANICS: - "I can do your wedding, but first I'll need to do your bar mitzvah and your 21st. Then there's no point in doing the wedding unless you follow it up with your 40th and your funeral..." 

 PLUMBERS:- "Yes, there is a rabbit in that hat, I haven't got time to get it out right now, I'll have to come back and finish the trick next week." 

 FLIGHT ATTENDANTS:- They'd smile very sweetly and welcome you as you enter the theatre... spend the next hour entertaining your wealthier friends... then say, with a smirk as you're leaving "Hope you enjoyed the show." 

 ESCORT GIRLS:- They'd do very little at all, then finish the show saying "Mmmmm... you were the best audience I've ever had!" 

 CAREER GUIDANCE COUNSELLORS:- They'd have you pick a card, ask you if you want to change your mind, then spend several hours outlining the other choices you could have made. 

 TV REPAIRMEN:- They'd turn up, do a short half-hearted show then, when you complain the audience wasn't very happy they'd say "You can't expect much of a reception from an audience of that age... But I can do you a good price on a new one!" 

 RECEPTIONISTS:- "I'm sorry, but the rabbit isn't in the hat at the moment. I'll have him jump out just as soon as he gets back in." 

 WAITERS:- They'd ignore the audience and stand around chatting to the stage crew for 20 minutes and then, when you finally get their attention, they'd say "Sorry, the theatre's just closed a few minutes ago..." 

 PRIESTS:- Folk would visit them and say "Forgive me magi for I have sinned, it's been twelve months since my last magic show." They'd reply "...say twelve abracadabra's and pick a card." 

 LAWYERS:- They'd charge you $50 for the initial phone call and costs for preparing and posting the letter of confirmation, and then they'd make an estimate of what the show may end up costing if it goes to the theatre. 

 PHOTOGRAPHERS:- He'd do 150 tricks for you and you pay for the ones you like. 

 CARPET SELLERS:- "Okay, so you can't afford the good show, but I think I have a few small pieces from a similar quality show lying around in the warehouse that might just suit your front room." 

 CLOTHING SALESPEOPLE:- "Oh this show looks perfect for you! Everyone's booking it this season! That other show you were considering... the cheaper advertised special... that's last year's, no-one wants to see that anymore." 

 TAILORS:- "The show might be a bit long for you now... but you'll grow into it..."

 COUNCIL ROADWORKERS:- Five guys would turn up to do one show: Three would stand at the side leaning on their wands, the youngest one would do the show, and the other one would stand in front of him holding a double-sided sign which reads LAUGH and APPLAUD. 

 JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES:- They'd come to your house early in the morning and ask if you've heard of a man called 'Houdini'. Then they'd ask if you like magic. No matter what you answer, they'd go into a 26 phase oil-and-water followed by a non-stop ambititous card marathon. You'd finally get rid of them after reaffirming not only your dislike of magic but, by now, your total hatred of all entertainers. 

 THE TELEPHONE COMPANY:- The most specific time you could book the magician would be "sometime in the afternoon", so you'd keep the party going all day hoping he'd turn up soon. Finally you'd give up waiting and go back to your normal life. Three days later he'd turn up, you'd frantically get all your friends together and he'd take one look at them and say "Oh... you want a magic show... I'll just pop back to the depot and get the right props, I'll be back early next week." 

 DOCTORS:- You'd have to take your audience to them, sit in a waiting room filled with issues of 'Linking Ring' from 1920 (and a current issue of 'Genii') for about an hour before you're called inside. He'd examine your audience and finally diagnose "You need a magic show". He'd charge you a fortune and send you to a "specialist" (an illusionist, close up worker, magic clown, whatever). 

 BUILDERS:- They'd discuss what you want, draw beautiful color pictures of them performing and your audience loving it, they'd go through every routine to make sure you were happy... then the show would finally be finished (costing much more than the initial quote because "The cost of egg bags has gone through the roof!") and it didn't look anything like you wanted in the first place!

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- Tim Ellis